FOR THE HELL OF IT VOL 5 NO. 2
by Johnny Heller
November 4, 2013
NOTES: As For the Hell of It continues on my new site, I’ll be using some material that I wrote earlier but didn’t publish. I’ll do this for crazy news stories like those featured in this issue. (For the Hell of It will also continue to be featured on AbbreviatedAudio.com as well)
I still don’t understand how to get my cartoons into my blog but I will get there and the cartoons will return!
In other news, ABBREVIATED AUDIO is coming back! And we will featuring a brand new short story – a Mickey Rawlins Baseball Murder Mystery from Troy Soos – narrated by me, directed by Marc Avila, produced by Jo Anna Perrin and Abbreviated Audio and available via Downpour.com. All proceeds will benefit ALS BOB as we seek to find a cure!
And now, on to the show!
It seems clear that the only audiobooks around these days – certainly on ACX – are vampire lesbo erotica murder mysteries or some such stuff. There’s actually a dinosaur porn book listed right now on ACX. Sex with a T-Rex! Who even has a fantasy like that? Not the T-Rex I bet! T Rex’s have two things on their minds – food and the weather report — Huge fear of Ice Ages for T Rex’s. Banging cave babes isn’t their thing. I’m certain of it.
However, instead of trying to fight this tide, I am giving in by writing my own horrible book – a Western Vampire Lesbian Werewolf Zombie Murder Mystery. It is as yet untitled. Here’s an exciting excerpt:
The vampire looked up slowly and stared into the same full moon that had summoned the change in his hot – heretofore lesbian – conquest: Dorothy. Now Dorothy was a hot heretofore lesbian werewolf and maybe a zombie to boot. He felt – as much as a vampire can feel – a sense of loss. He had enjoyed his dalliance with Dorothy. She was buxom and sassy and he his mind recalled her every curve as if she was there with him now. He couldn’t control the blood that surged through his member – threatening to poke through his threadbare pants and poke someone’s eye out. That Dorothy was, before he seduced her, a slutty lesbian who had been bitten by a werewolf only increased his desire and his sense of conquest. He leaned forward and would’ve fallen over but for his engorged trouser snake (and he inadvertently invented the kick stand…if only someone had invented the bicycle by now….)
Dorothy had tried to resist him but she, like so many before her, could not. He had peeled her clothes from her body as other men would peel a banana. And speaking of bananas, she had been quite taken by his. She trembled as he entered her and screamed as he bit into the soft flesh of her neck. And then she had said all kinds of things afterward as she attempted to spoon and cuddle. He smiled as he recalled tenderly knocking her out with his night stick. Vampires weren’t much on cuddling. Or spooning.
He had never realized that taking the sheriffs’ job would be so very rewarding. True, criminals would soon realize that they could steal, rape and plunder to their hearts content in the daylight – but until they did, Sheriff Dugan Erzatz – vampire – was in charge. He ran the town with an iron fist. (He actually had an iron fist that he liked to use to pleasure his harlots when he was too tired to actually get more involved. No one actually enjoyed the fist but once a vampire decides to fist you, there is little to do but scream and try to rethink some of your bad decisions.
The town belonged to the vampire sheriff. Of course the emergence of the werewolves and the new threat presented by the zombies had to be dealt with but Erzatz had been dealing with larger problems than this for centuries.
Dorothy a lesbian werewolf? Easy. Just wait until the moon waned, command a couple of hotties from the dance hall to strut about to lure Dorothy in and then feed on all of them. If he got full too soon, he could always take one home for a meal later (thus inventing the to-go bag….Man! Kickstands and doggie bags and he’d only been up for an hour! what a day!)
If the zombies – who everyone had originally thought were just Mormons looking for Utah – had indeed turned her, it would not matter to the vampire. Zombies were not as tasty as werewolves but certainly edible. And what if the werewolf had become a zombie? Interesting. A Lesbianwerewolfzombe amuse bouche – a delicacy Erzatz wanted to taste.
Before this night was over, thought Erzatz looking down at his tenting trousers, I must make love to Dorothy – or somebody with monster hooters – and kill her (or whoever owned the hooters in question) and some zombies — in no particular order. But first, I need to learn who killed Mayor Johnson…..
Pretty mysterious and sexy right? And oh so scary!
Actually it’s crap but it’s the kind of crap that seems to be available to narrators at present so….. who wants to read it when it’s done? I certainly don’t.
In answer to some questions I have gotten and some facebook discussions, here are some bits of advice that I will share for no money at all.
1. Yes! Read the book first. How do you know what’s gonna happen next if you don’t know what’s gonna happen next? Yes -even for non-fiction. What’s that you say? It takes too much time? Then do something else for a living. It’s part of the job.
2. You know what’s not part of the job? Being the editor. Concentrate on the acting. Concentrate on sharing the author’s truth to your listeners. That’s all you need to do and that’s quite a bit. I guarantee you that you aren’t getting paid enough to master the thing when you’re done.
Once upon a time, actors were paid extra money if they could record in their home studio as it saved producers a lot of dough. Now it’s expected that we have a studio and that we record there for free.
If you want to do the editing, than charge for it and make it a separate invoice from your narration. You must divide the two tasks as they are totally different skills and having an ability in one does not mean you have a talent for the other!
Are you an audio editor? Great! Are you an actor with a talent and a need to tell a story and are you adept at audiobook narration? Awesome! Do that! If you really can do both, then you better be charging for both.
I can hit the record and button and I can fix mistakes I make when I hear them. When I know I’ve made them. That’s my job.
Someone else who is skilled at it and gets paid for it can and should master my work and then I will do the retakes that are necessary.
3. Just because you can speak English and read out loud and can put together a home studio does not make you an actor or an editor.
That isn’t what it’s about. This is an art and this is a business.
Sorry. I get pissy about this.
Calexico (Mexican-US Border)
Narcotic Detector Dogs not infallible.
A number of recent miscues have marred the otherwise excellent record of US trained and operated narcotic sniffing dogs. The dogs are used to sniff persons and parcels of interest and their reaction to the scent of the person or item sniffed alerts border police of the presence of narcotics.
Recently 52-year-old Rodney McDade strolled in the US from Mexico and was held for hours after a police search turned up no narcotics. McDade refused a strip search or to allow officers to investigate his anus…a real killjoy according to the scorned officers.
The officers had their drug sniffing dog check out McDade and the results of the canine-anus sniff fest convinced officers that McDade was smuggling contraband in his buttal area (I believe that’s the medical term).
“Travis goes gaa gaa for butt coke!” said his handler, R.J. “JJ” Smith. “He gets all excited and spins around in circles like one of them whirling dervishes. Well, I tell you, he was all dervishy this time.”
Officers were granted a warrant to XRay McDade’s bum and the XRays came back negative – sparing McDade a cavity search.
“I didn’t want them in my pants,” said McDade. “ I wasn’t wearin my good shorts.”
Travis, who had held a 94% success mark until this debacle, seemed confused by his failure – heading to his pillow and licking his privates.
“Naw. It didn’t bother him none,” said Smith. “He always lies around licking his junk.”
“Tell the truth,” said Travis the dog, “I don’t care what’s in there. I just love ass! I’m a dog for God’s sake
A toddler celebrating his 2nd birthday at a UK restaurant chain was rushed to the hospital after his mother realized he was inebriated.
Frankie and Bennies restaurant chain apologized for getting young Sonny Rees drunk at his party, citing human error for the incident. The chain is looking into systems to be implemented to make certain the episode is never repeated.
Said local bartender Ian McIan – “Well, first he shouldna had the second shot after downing the Guiness. I tol’ him he seemed a bit off but he started to cry so I gave him a few more dollops of the good stuff. It was his birthday man!”
Manager Eowan Jones said – off the record – “Look, if ya canna hol’ your liquor by the time you hit 2 …well, I mean…what kind of lad is he? ‘Human error?’ bloody right it was human error – his mum shouda taken him to a fookin Chuckie Cheese or one of those strip bars where they water their booze down. He’ll not be welcome back here til he proves he can handle himself….when he’s say 5 or 6 at least.”
Doctors said the lad will be fine. Sonny said: “Oh myyyyyy Goooood. Never again. I will never ever drink again…shut off the light willya’? ooooohhhhhhh.”
DEERFIELD BEACH, FL….
32-year old Edward Archibold won the grand prize in the cockroach eating contest sponsored by the Ben Seigel Reptile Store. Sadly, Mr. Archibold was unable to claim the prize – a python snake – as he died almost immediately after winning the contest.
“Damn,” said Ted “Smelly Ted” Barnes, a reasonably close friend of Archibold. “He was really lookin forward to eatin that snake.”
While police must await the official autopsy results to determine to exact cause of death, local detectives believe it was because he ingested a shitload of gross bugs and worms.
STILL IN FLORIDA!
Police arrested 37-year-old Samuel Niday after he relieved himself on a homeowner’s air conditioner. When police arrived Niday’s shorts were falling off and he was covered in feces.
“Hey! I got crapped on! Wooo Hooo!” slurred Niday. “That’s good luck right? Wow. That was a big ass bird…oh well! What happens in Vegas….!”
TIDBITS AND WHATNOT:
You know how when you’re watching Saturday Night Live and they take a commercial break for 20 minutes or so and then they come back to SNL only to show us an actor, 2 grips and an assistant director setting up the next scene and then they go back to another boatload of commercials? I hate that! I watched the first set of commercials. Fair enough. But then come back to show me – what? – that they plan on doing something with a 30-70 shot of being funny AFTER the next set of commercials? “We’ll be right back after this break to show you what happens during the break and then we’ll be right back again!” C’Mon! Stop it. Stop it right now.